


PeriNormal

by CoreyWW



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Alternate Universe - Human, Ambiguous Relationships, Comedy, Drama, Dramedy, F/F, Gen, Ghost Hunters, Ghosts, Horror, Investigations, Love, Love Triangles, Monsters, Paranormal, Paranormal Investigators, Pastiche, Romantic Comedy, Scooby Doo References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 09:50:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12679431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW
Summary: The misadventures of the PeriNormal Paranormal Investigation Company!Peridot Rabara: Founder and Occasionally Respected Paranormal InvestigatorLapis Lazuli: Actual Ghost and Secret Partner (Not That Kind of Partner, Except Maybe Totally That Kind of Partner)Amethyst Demayo: Assistant, Slacker, Joker, Flirt, and All Around People Person (When She's Not Busy Making Ghosts Jealous)Pumpkin: Professional Yorkshire TerrierTogether they investigate paranormal activity, expose hoaxes, face horrors beyond the veil, uncover conspiracies ... and have a lot of awkward romantic tension and interpersonal drama. That too.





	PeriNormal

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Peridot's Paranormal Pursuits](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12539252) by [SilverScribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverScribe/pseuds/SilverScribe). 



> This story is a direct continuation (with permission) of SilverScribe's oneshot, [Peridot's Paranormal Pursuits](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12539252). It is highly recommended you read this story first as it establishes Peridot and Lapis's origins in this universe.
> 
> This story is also heavily influenced by [Something About Roommates and Girlfriends](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7969258/chapters/18228961). While this is not required reading to understand this story, it was a big influence (Peridot's naming convention in this story specifically comes from it) so I wanted to give credit where it was due. Also it's just my favorite human AU story in general.
> 
> Anyway, on with the story!

“Excellent, the trap is set. We just need to locate our ‘monster,’ again,” Peridot whispered into her Bluetooth earpiece.

She shined the flashlight through the trees. It had been hours since she last spotted the ‘monster’ supposedly haunting the park: a tall, skinny apparition with no facial features wearing a suit. The description matched that of “the Slenderman,” a fictional, vaguely-defined Internet boogeyman. It had been sighted numerous times over the past several weeks after chasing away some film students. Some footage of this had even surfaced on Youtube. It never hurt anyone, only seemed to stalk in a menacing manor ...

Spooky stuff. Unfortunately it didn’t take long to deduce it was a fake. Such fakes were easy enough to figure out with her secret weapon. Her partner.

... well, not THAT kind of partner. Maybe. Possibly. Peridot wasn’t sure and she tried not to dwell on it.

She cleared her throat as she moved through the woods, feeling the crunch of leaves under her shoes.

“Lazuli?” Peridot said.

The Bluetooth headset wasn’t paired to anything, but it didn’t matter much. It just gave her friend a means of communication from far away. Lapis seemed to have the ability to communicate over any electronic audio devices near her. Being dead apparently did wonders for wireless connectivity.

There was a crackle of static when she heard Lapis’s voice.

“Boo,” Lapis said.

Peridot sighed. “Do you have to do that every time? It’s a little trite,” she said.

“I was calling you that.”

Peridot ignored the faint blush rising in her cheeks and shook her head.

“You’re certain there’s no evidence of actual paranormal activity?” Peridot said.

Lapis groaned. “Yes, for the millionth time. If there was another ghost around here, I would have spotted them by now.”

Peridot rubbed her forehead. She wasn’t surprised. She’d already located enough clues to determine the apparition’s identity.

Lapis seemed to recognize Peridot’s tone and said, “Hey. Don’t be disappointed. I mean, you know ghosts DO exist for real. Unless you feel like me floating and turning invisible is just me trying way too hard to impress you.”

“Heh. True enough, but still ... dealing with another hoax is ... draining.”

“Heheh don’t worry, I’ll make sure we give this guy a real spook for wasting our time.”

“Let’s not be too overzealous,” Peridot said with a smile. “Be subtle.”

“Ugh, _fine_....”

“Where are you anyway?”

“Look behind you.”

Peridot rolled her eyes and turned around. Nothing was there. She turned back around to see Lapis inches from her face.

“ _HI_!”

“YRG!” Peridot said, as she jolted back, dropping her flashlight.

Lapis clutched her belly laughing as she did front flips while suspended in the air.

“Oh _wow_!: Lapis said. “That never gets old.”

Peridot grumbled as she picked up her flashlight.

“Why does that work every time?” she mumbled.

“Cause I’m spooky,” Lapis said, touching down on the ground next to Peridot.

“No, you’re not.”

“You didn’t think that when we first met.”

“Minor details.”

Peridot shined her light through the tree, groaning.

“This charlatan is certainly taking an inconceivable amount of time to reappear,” Peridot said as she moved through the forest. “Perhaps that would be frightening if it were a real apparition, but now it's simply annoyin--”

Her light shined over a ghastly white face atop an impossibly tall figure in a suit.

“ _AHHH_!” Peridot screamed as she dropped the flashlight and started running. She glanced to her right only to see Lapis already gone.

Good. She was sticking to the plan.

Peridot glanced back, able make out the figure chasing her in the darkness.

Her Bluetooth earpiece crackled to life as Peridot heard Lapis’s voice.

“OH _WOW_ ,” Lapis said. “SLENDERMAN JUST CAME OUT LIKE ‘I HEARD YOU TALKING SHIT!’”

Peridot wove through the trees into the more open area of the park. The tree she armed the trap in was just ahead. She recognized it by the park bench with graffiti on it nearby, instructing readers to call a phone number for a morally dubious “good time.”

“Just prepare to deploy the net when I lure him past,” Peridot said.

“Got it.” Lapis chuckled. “Your scream was _great_ for someone who knows it's a fake.”

“Your perception might be skewed being a ghost, but I assure you, a criminal in pursuit of you is still quite frightening!” Peridot said, finally at the tree. She glanced back. The “Slenderman” was still following, clearly taking the bait.

“Suuuure,” Lapis said. “You’re still a scaredy cat though.”

“Lapis--”

The“Slenderman” approached in the proper place, underneath the tree.

“Scaredy-caaaattt~” Lapis sang.

Peridot’s eyes went wide. “LAPIS! THE NET!”

“Wha-- _oh crap_!”

Peridot looked up and saw the net unsnagged from the branches by invisible hands and fall through the air ...

And miss the Slenderman completely.

Despite having no apparent face, the “Slenderman’s” head tilted down to look at the net that had landed next to him, then tilted back up to Peridot.

“Uhh ...” Peridot said, dumbfounded.

The Slenderman raised its arms and approached Peridot.

“Oh crap, crap, _crap_!” screamed Lapis in her ear. “H-hang on, I got an idea--”

“Sooner rather than later would be preferable!” Peridot harshly whispered into the earpiece.

In desperation, Peridot threw her flashlight at the attacker. It sailed past his head.

“Lapis ...” Peridot said, fear creeping in her voice.

At that moment, the park bench started to rattle. The “Slenderman’s” head turned towards it just as the park bench floated into the air and sailed towards him.

“What the--” the creature mumbled as the bench collided with the figure. He flew through the air and crashed against the tree, letting out a groan as he slid to the ground in a heap.

Peridot ran up to the tall figure. He was clearly knocked out. Peridot breathed a sigh of relief.

Lapis appeared in front of Peridot, a look of concern on her face.

“Are you alright?” Lapis said. “You’re not hurt, are you?”

“No, no, I’m quite fine,” Peridot said. She let out a nervous chuckle as she looked down at the attacker. “Not exactly as subtle as I wanted, Laz, but thank you.”

Lapis frowned.

“Don’t thank me, I was the one who messed up,” Lapis said.

Peridot waved her hand.

“It’s fine. Occupational hazards, that’s all.”

Lapis smiled.

“You’re hot when you’re all confident ...”

Peridot gulped.

“Yes, well ....” She pulled out her cell phone. “Let’s call the authorities and get this assignment over with.”

* * *

Within ten minutes, the “Slenderman” was handcuffed by a police officer, while two others stood nearby scratching their heads.

“Well,” the head police officer said, “I gotta say, I’ve never actually apprehended a monster before.”

Peridot grinned and adjusted her glasses. Despite the annoyance of dealing with more hoaxes, she had to admit she enjoyed this part a little.

“In actuality, you still haven’t,” Peridot said as she approached the culprit. She reached for the face, which had the familiar consistency of a mask. “For you see, Slenderman is in actuality--”

Peridot pulled the mask to reveal a man in his mid-twenties with dorky glasses.

The policemen, as if on cue, all exclaimed, “ALEX CROWLEY!”

“The pretentious student filmmaker!” the head policeman exclaimed.

“ _Precisely_!” Peridot said with her hands on her hip.

“But why?”

Peridot smiled.

“You see,” she explained, “Alex Crowley had been embezzling money from his film’s Kickstarter fund. That became obvious moment from the moment we discovered this deposit slip for ten thousand dollars from his personal bank account.” Peridot removed the deposit slip from her coat. “He wanted to take all the money and find an excuse to end production. So he pretended to be Slenderman and posted footage of him online to scare everyone else off the set and end the movie.”

Peridot pulled a usb flash drive from her coat.

“We discovered this flash drive hidden in the woods,” Peridot said. It contains raw footage of Slenderman without any video distortion or sound effects hidden in the woods. Slenderman’s supernatural powers were nothing more than basic video editing.”

“-- I’m sorry, ‘we’?” the police officer said.

“The royal we, sir. And as for why Slenderman is so tall--” Peridot pulled up the scruff of Alex’s pants to reveal wooden stilts. “Nothing more than movie magic.”

“I see,” the head officer said. “But that still doesn’t explain why he made up this elaborate ghost story instead of just claiming he got robbed or something.”

Peridot considered for a minute, then shrugged.

“Not certain,” Peridot said. “He’s ... just kinda weird like that, I guess. This kind of thing happens more often than you’d think.”

Alex grumbled. “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling pricks!”

“Well, I suppose that wraps everything up,” the officer said. “Take him away, boys.”

The officers began to lead Alex off when he struggled against them and turned back to Peridot.

“How did you get that bench to hit me like that?” Alex said. “I still can’t figure any of that out!”

Peridot folded her arms. “Practical stage effects and wires,” she said. “My trap was more elaborate than the net would have led you to believe.”

Alex just stared in disbelief before the police jerked him away towards the squad car.

Peridot exhaled a sigh of relief. That was thrilling, but it was good to relax after that performance.

Her earpiece crackled.

“You _liar_ ,” Lapis said playfully.

“Would you rather I explain a poltergeist did it?” Peridot said. “No one would believe me anyway.”

“I need to possess a doll or something in front of the police next time.”

Peridot raised an eyebrow. “You can do that?”

“No idea,” Lapis admitted. “But I assume I could. I can do other horror movie crap.”

Peridot chuckled. However, she was snapped out of her conversation when an older gentleman in a suit approached.

“Ms. Peridot? I’m from the Park Department,” he said. “Thank you for apprehending the monster. Now, about payment--”

“Ah yes!” Peridot said. “You can make the check out to Peridot Rabara. That’s P-E-R--”

“Well yes, but um ... first I wanted to talk about the expense for that bench that got damaged ...”

Peridot suppressed a groan when she heard that. Oh well, the bench couldn’t possibly cost _that_ much. She should _still_ get decent payment from such a successful investigation.

* * *

“Our total profit from that entire venture was thirty five dollars,” Peridot grumbled once she got back to the apartment.

Lapis, who was visible and currently sitting on top of Peridot’s desk next to the laptop, ruffled Peridot’s hair.

“Aww, come on Peri, it’s not that bad,” Lapis said.

“I have a week before rent is due,” Peridot said.

Lapis frowned. “... okay, maybe that is that bad.” Lapis laid down on the desk. “I could always spook the landlord again to buy more time.”

“You can’t just do that _every month.”_

“Maybe _you_ can’t.”

Peridot raised her head and gave Lapis a stern stare. Lapis shrugged.

“Hey, I’m just trying to help,” she said.

“Ugh ....” Peridot mumbled. At her feet, she could feel wet spittle. She looked down to see Pumpkin licking her foot. The light-haired Yorkshire terrier gave a friendly bark.

“See?” Lapis said. “Pumpkin’s trying to help too.”

Peridot gave a weak smile. She’d gotten Pumpkin from the pound on a whim because Lapis mentioned she liked dogs when she was still living. Despite not normally caring for animals, Peridot found herself taken with the animal also.

The fact Peridot barely had enough money to feed Pumpkin was another anxiety in the back of her mind.

“Pumpkin, Pumpkin!” Lapis said. “You wanna do hide and seek?”

Pumpkin barked and wagged his tail.

Lapis smiled and faded out of vision. After a moment, Pumpkin barked twice then ran towards the corner of the room, near the TV, the arcade machine with the marque marked POLYBIUS, and the office chairs with partially exposed padding that made up the “living room” area. She barked at one of the empty chairs.

Immediately, Lapis appeared in it.

“AWWW, you’re good at this game,” Lapis said.

Despite her sour mood, Peridot couldn’t help but chuckle.

“That’s not surprising,” Peridot said. “Dogs and cats having heightened awareness to spirits is one of the oldest paranormal beliefs.”

“No, I think it just means Pumpkin is the best dog and better than all other dogs,” Lapis said as she scratched Pumpkin while floating in midair. As always, Pumpkin remained unphased by this behavior.

Peridot gave a content sigh. Lapis grinned in response.

“You’re feeling better,” Lapis said. “I can tell.”

“A bit ...” Peridot said. “However, the fact remains I need to increase our capital.” Peridot rubbed her chin. “I wish someone would apply for the assistant position.”

“How would that help? Wouldn’t you just have to spit money and have even less?”

“I would have to pay them, but even so, having another employee following up on leads and interfacing with potential clients would be preferable. I know I can get more accomplished focusing on investigations rather than do that and all other necessities by myself.” Peridot rubbed her temple. “As much as I hate admitting it, our profits were slightly higher before I fired Ronaldo, even considering all the wild goose chases he sent me on.”

Lapis rolled her eyes. “I don’t know, I don’t think you need one,” she said. “I don’t like the idea of having to hide from another Ronaldo all the time anyway. Besides, why don’t you just have me be the assistant?”

“Lapis, you’re a ghost. I think that might be slightly intimidating to new clients.”

“I could just work by phone.” Lapis stared at Peridot before sighing. “Nevermind, I guess you’re right. Besides the people I actually enjoy talking to I can count on one finger.”

“Thanks,” Peridot said.

“I meant Pumpkin.”

Pumpkin barked happily. Peridot smiled and rolled her eyes. Lapis grinned back at her.

“Joking aside, I’m hoping someone applies who you will trust as much as me,” Peridot said.

Lapis snorted. “Yeah, sorry, but ... I _really_ doubt that will be happening.”

Peridot sighed. “Doesn’t matter anyway. I need to consider more alternative revenue streams. I simply can’t rely on the unlikely occurrence that after months of nothing, an applicant will appear out of nowhere.”

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

Peridot stiffened. Pumpkin started to bark.

“Pumpkin, hush,” Lapis whispered.

Peridot rose to her feet and walked toward the door. She glanced to Lapis, who nodded and turned invisible.

Peridot opened the door. Standing in the hallway was a short woman, about Peridot’s size, with thick arms and long white hair. She was holding a newspaper.

“Hey um ...” the woman held up the paper. “My name is Amethyst Demayo. I’m here about the ad in the paper? You were looking for an assistant to help with paranormal shit?”

Peridot blinked in disbelief. The earpiece in her ear crackled as she heard Lapis chuckling.

**Author's Note:**

> NEXT TIME!
> 
> Job interviews!  
> Flirtation!  
> Ghost salt!  
> Minor hauntings!
> 
> Tune in for the next exciting chapter of PeriNormal!


End file.
